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lately
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In no particular order, some things we've been up to lately...
We traveled to Nashville to celebrate with sweet friends, including ones who also lived their early months at Morning Light in Taitung, Taiwan.
Once we were back home, Napoleon was up to his usual mischief: snatching bottles.
Here's what Zoe had to say about that.
Jocelyn wore every heart-erific clothing item she could for Valentine's Day.
Robbie climbed the fence, awaiting his best bud's arrival.
We welcomed precious overnight houseguests, as the missionary family who God used to bless us with Zoe passed through town and crashed at our house one night.
Jocelyn ran in her school's 5K, wore her daddy's old cross country jersey as a dress, and won first place in her group (kindergarten girls)!
Robbie prefers racing with cars.
And Zoe? She prefers food and is mighty proud whenever she's able to feed herself.
That's all for now, folks!
being broken is not always bad. being comfortable is not always good.
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It took five and a half months to bring Zoe home.
It took five and a half months after that for me to go see
my doctor for antidepressants.
I thrive on stability. I thrive on predictability. I thrive
on plans.
I’ve admitted before that my emotions were shattered after
Robbie’s seizure. I haven’t admitted on the blog, though, that my mood wasn’t
stable before then.
I held it together – sort of – outside of our house, but I
was snapping at Lee like never before, retreating to our bedroom to lie in bed
whenever I could, and not enjoying time with friends or family. Life was a
struggle.
As I share this, I want to be clear about three things:
- Zoe is not and was not the problem. She is the blessing. We don’t regret any of the steps along the way to bringing her home and making her a part of our family.
- Adoption is still beautiful. We still plan to adopt again. As we advocate for orphans and start the process to bring another child into our family, we must admit that the beauty of adoption is rife with hard places too.
- God is sufficient. He is and was sufficient in our struggles, through His Word, His presence, and His working in the lives of others… including, we’ve come to realize, His work through doctors to address depression and anxiety from a medical perspective.
I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety before. I’ve come out on the other side each time, by God’s grace. Usually, medication isn’t necessary. It might not have been this time if not for Robbie's seizure. The day before that awful night, I remember letting out a relieved sigh, as if exhaling all the stress of the previous months, and thinking, "I see the light at the end of this tunnel, and it doesn't seem too far away."
Then, the seizure.
While I knew we'd eventually get to that elusive finish line, I realized we would all be bruised and bloody by the time we got there unless something changed.
Just as I do not lack faith in God’s healing when I inject myself once a week with medicine to treat rheumatoid arthritis, it’s not a faith crisis to me to take two little blue pills to help regulate a chemical imbalance in my brain. Together, Lee and I prayed about both pharmaceutical approaches before filling the prescriptions, and we continue to do so.
(For the record, Lee has noted that he likes me on medication. He’s joking when he says that, but I’m not joking when I admit that I almost ruined our marriage last year with my inability to seek help.)
I’m myself again, and it feels like I’ve reconnected with a
long-lost friend. Once the meds kicked in, I realized how far gone I had been
and how much of myself had gotten lost in dark places. All of my relationships
– with God, with Lee, with the kids, even with strangers – are healthier and
better now. For the first time in a long time, I want to spend time with
people. I want to have friends over to the house. I want to go on dates with my
husband and playdates with my kids.
In other words, medication has made an amazing difference
for me. For the entire family.
Why bother sharing this now?
Well, I didn’t plan to. Then when our friend Whitney from
The Archibald Project came to town for our six-month follow-up documentary, I
realized that people need to know the hard parts of adoption. The struggle is
as much as part of the process as the victories.
Adoption didn’t make me depressed. Adoption didn’t make
cracks in our marriage. No, those things were brewing already.
And, of course, adoption didn’t bring about the other life
transitions of our move, Jocelyn’s start of school, and Robbie’s epilepsy. All those circumstances just merged to make the perfect storm for us.
That storm hasn't been all bad, either. Its lightning has exposed – in needed ways – the dark
and broken places in our lives, as the God who orchestrated the tempest drew us to Him and refined us through it.
We don’t want to glorify adoption. As I’ve written before,
adoption is beautiful, but adoption is also bittersweet, and adoption involves brokenness.
After all, when God adopted me, He knew it would be messy.
We want to be real, as we declare that the culture of Christianity in our country does not always match up with the character of Christ in the Bible. Being broken is not bad, when God breaks us. Being comfortable is not good, when we're comfortable in the things that won't last. Medication can be a godsend, when our hope rests in Him and not it.
The past year has involved more brokenness and discomfort and, yes, medication for our family than any other year.
And?
We are grateful for that.
The past year has involved more brokenness and discomfort and, yes, medication for our family than any other year.
And?
We are grateful for that.
big milestone: SELF-FEEDING!!!
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I know when we started solids with our big kids, but I don't remember when Robbie and Jocelyn started feeding themselves. It was exciting, but it wasn't a huge deal to me.
Like so many other things, it's been different for our third.
Zoe is 15 months old. Most kiddos have been self-feeding for a while by now, but Zoe has this little challenge called cerebral palsy. That means the motor neurons in her brain are damaged in a way that affects most of her movements. Her legs are stiff and often uncooperative, her back muscles are tight while her abs are weak, and her hands try to stay clenched, especially the right one.
She can play with toys with her hands, but self-feeding has been a challenge. You see, our little princess loves food. Our little princess would prefer to be fed by her "servants" (aka Mommy and Daddy and 姐姐 and 哥哥). Our little princess doesn't want to have to work for her food or wait until her hands can get food to her mouth.
But guess what?
Our little princess fed herself today. One noodle, then two... I think the total was eight or nine.
This. Is. A. Big. Deal.
I put the noodles on the fork each time, but she looked at them...
...brought them to her mouth, with the fork in her left hand and some help from her right fist,...
and ATE THEM! (Yes, my finger is in this picture because I helped this time, but she did it all on her own more than a half-dozen times.)
I cheered! She just eats up positive reinforcement, doesn't she?!?
This is a huge step.
Way to go, Zo-Zo!
But guess what?
Our little princess fed herself today. One noodle, then two... I think the total was eight or nine.
This. Is. A. Big. Deal.
I put the noodles on the fork each time, but she looked at them...
...brought them to her mouth, with the fork in her left hand and some help from her right fist,...
and ATE THEM! (Yes, my finger is in this picture because I helped this time, but she did it all on her own more than a half-dozen times.)
I cheered! She just eats up positive reinforcement, doesn't she?!?
This is a huge step.
Way to go, Zo-Zo!
life is hard, and i am thankful
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I don't, not for a minute, regret adopting Zoe. But this parenting thing? It would be hard even if I didn't have autoimmune issues that can cause pain in my joints and damage to my bones. It was hard before cerebral palsy was added into the mix. It's been even harder since that and then epilepsy was added.
Some days, it's crushing.
Some days, I plop the kids in front of the TV in the family room during Zoe's nap and curl up in my bed with the TV there set to The West Wing on Netflix.
Most days, though, we still dream together about adopting a sibling pair with one or both children HIV+, likely from India or a new program in South Africa. As crazy as that sounds, those dreams aren't crushing. Because if God allows that or if He doesn't, our aim isn't that our lives be comfortable; it's that we lay down our lives for Him, pouring out His grace and love in ways that are hard but that draw us near to God as He shapes us more and more into the likeness of His Son.
Today, He's doing that as I wait to hear back from Robbie's neurologist. No, he hasn't had another seizure, as far as we know, but he's gone from being fully potty trained to having frequent bowel accidents.
I. am. sick. of. the. poo.
(In underwear, that is. I don't love it but I can handle it in diapers, and I realize we'll be walking that road for quite some time with Little Miss Zo-Zo.)
This is likely something with a neurological basis. And I hate it. He could be having very short seizures that we don't notice and losing bowel control then. This could be something else, of which the seizure and the accidents are each symptoms of something else.
I told a friend earlier today that I wasn't anxious. And I'm not. (God's got this.) I also confessed that I was concerned that sharing this would tempt others to sin by being anxious on our behalf. Please, don't go there.
This is hard, yes. But we're also thankful...
...that we have three precious little ones.
...that we have two dear friends who came over yesterday to help Jocelyn clean and organize her room (no small task!) and help me paint the family room (because color on the walls is almost as good as antidepressants for my mood).
...that Zoe slept in until 11:20 am this morning.
...that Robbie makes us laugh, like when he told me yesterday, "Mommy, I don't know how this happens. My underwear is clean, and then it's just raining poo! The poo, it rains! But it's okay, right?"
...that my big girl and I have figured out plans for her big birthday party with school friends.
...that my husband has realized that he loves to cook and has gotten really good at it.
...that selling off items on Craigslist has made our house less cluttered and easier to clean and has enabled us to buy a few items that I had been wanting to turn our bedroom into more of a haven for us.
...that our high school babysitter is comfortable with administering Robbie's meds if he has a seizure on her watch.
...that God is still good and still reliable, no matter what our circumstances are.
UPDATE: And we're thankful that Robbie's accidents are nothing new but rather just a characteristic of his epilepsy. Yep, his brain is having surges of electrical activity - which is what a seizure is - that are making him lose control of his bowel movements. We're starting seizure meds (Keppra) this evening, something that I find relieving and terrifying all at the same time.
Here's a picture of the four of us together at the airport this past Friday:
And here's the video of their story:
Thanks be to God.
Some days, it's crushing.
Some days, I plop the kids in front of the TV in the family room during Zoe's nap and curl up in my bed with the TV there set to The West Wing on Netflix.
Most days, though, we still dream together about adopting a sibling pair with one or both children HIV+, likely from India or a new program in South Africa. As crazy as that sounds, those dreams aren't crushing. Because if God allows that or if He doesn't, our aim isn't that our lives be comfortable; it's that we lay down our lives for Him, pouring out His grace and love in ways that are hard but that draw us near to God as He shapes us more and more into the likeness of His Son.
Today, He's doing that as I wait to hear back from Robbie's neurologist. No, he hasn't had another seizure, as far as we know, but he's gone from being fully potty trained to having frequent bowel accidents.
I. am. sick. of. the. poo.
(In underwear, that is. I don't love it but I can handle it in diapers, and I realize we'll be walking that road for quite some time with Little Miss Zo-Zo.)
This is likely something with a neurological basis. And I hate it. He could be having very short seizures that we don't notice and losing bowel control then. This could be something else, of which the seizure and the accidents are each symptoms of something else.
I told a friend earlier today that I wasn't anxious. And I'm not. (God's got this.) I also confessed that I was concerned that sharing this would tempt others to sin by being anxious on our behalf. Please, don't go there.
This is hard, yes. But we're also thankful...
...that we have three precious little ones.
...that we have two dear friends who came over yesterday to help Jocelyn clean and organize her room (no small task!) and help me paint the family room (because color on the walls is almost as good as antidepressants for my mood).
...that Zoe slept in until 11:20 am this morning.
...that Robbie makes us laugh, like when he told me yesterday, "Mommy, I don't know how this happens. My underwear is clean, and then it's just raining poo! The poo, it rains! But it's okay, right?"
...that my big girl and I have figured out plans for her big birthday party with school friends.
...that my husband has realized that he loves to cook and has gotten really good at it.
...that selling off items on Craigslist has made our house less cluttered and easier to clean and has enabled us to buy a few items that I had been wanting to turn our bedroom into more of a haven for us.
...that our high school babysitter is comfortable with administering Robbie's meds if he has a seizure on her watch.
...that God is still good and still reliable, no matter what our circumstances are.
UPDATE: And we're thankful that Robbie's accidents are nothing new but rather just a characteristic of his epilepsy. Yep, his brain is having surges of electrical activity - which is what a seizure is - that are making him lose control of his bowel movements. We're starting seizure meds (Keppra) this evening, something that I find relieving and terrifying all at the same time.
~ + ~
Finally, I can't leave off one major piece of news that is full of thanksgiving: Emi Jane is home! Our friend Georgeanna is the one who first considered adopting Zoe, realized that wasn't the right plan for her family, and contacted us about her need. (See those links for the story in her words!) The path to consider Zoe's adoption led us to our daughter and left them with a homestudy ready for the adoption of a child with special needs from Taiwan... and Emi needed a family.Here's a picture of the four of us together at the airport this past Friday:
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| photo by Emma Emery Photography {Facebook and blog} |
And here's the video of their story:
Thanks be to God.