speaking love to her, in the language of flat twists

When I blogged about Patience's yarn twists, she didn't yet have enough hair for any other style. She barely had enough, as it was, to anchor the yarn.

Extensions have never been our end goal for her, though. On Facebook back in April (side note: it's June? how'd that happen?!?), I shared this:

She's been rocking a short 'do ever since.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that I shed a few tears when a friend from church brought this to me the next week. 

Yep, that's my fridge: a little Patu in a church craft frame, a little Lupita collage, and some dinos and a fish to hold it all up.

One morning shortly after we removed the yarn, she looked at herself in the mirror, paused, and then proclaimed, "Mama, I look fabulous."

And she does.

Thanks again to the power of youTube (video at the end), I decided to try some flat twists with their own hair, sans yarn. Flat twists are kind of like cornrows, with the main difference that the hair is twisted rather than braided. 

I attempted some cornrows the other day, and let's just let the lack of post or pictures speak for itself.

Yeah. Mama needs some more practice on that. 

After that, Patience wasn't interested in being my guinea pig, so this time I started with Patu. One twist in on her sister, I heard, "Mama, will you do mine next?" She loves her TWA - that's "teeny weeny afro" in black hair lingo - so she just wanted a couple flat twists in the front.

The butterfly barrettes aren't a must as the twists stay in on their own, but she likes the pop of color.

As I shared last time, hair isn't just hair for Patience. 

Really, it's not for any black woman, but that's a whole 'nother post. While this white mama can't fully understand all those ins and outs, I trust my black friends and take their word for something I might never fully comprehend.

But as the daughter of a hairdresser - not me, her first mother - she learned that part of a mama's love was hair time. But me? I'm super white, if you haven't noticed. So committing to her meant committing to learning a whole new hair language.

Because? It's her love language.

The style on Patu is a little more rough, as I started with her first and as her soft looser curls don't lend themselves to twisting as much as Patience's tight coarser spirals do. 

And? I need some more work on parts, especially in her hair... but grace, y'all. Because have I mentioned that I'm white and I'm learning?

Oh my gracious! I could just eat her up with a spoon.

As I learn, sometimes I have to borrow some confidence from this lovely lady:

Because she's growing into an amazing young lady with plenty of confidence to spare. As she told me tonight as I was getting started on her hair, "Don't worry, Mommy. You've got this."

LOVE.

~+~

As promised, here's the tutorial I used to learn the technique. 

what's your church's elopement plan? #kidmin #stumin #familymin

No, no, I'm not talking about people running off to get married. I'm talking about one expression of several disabilities: elopement. It would be described in lay terms as wandering, running away, escaping, or darting off. We have a couple of repeat offenders on Sunday mornings in our ministry.

Two of our most committed elopers at our church have Down syndrome, but this is a common behavior among kids with other diagnoses as well. In a survey of 800 parents of children with autism, findings indicated that about half of kids with autism wander. Additionally, children who have been adopted from hard places are also more likely to elope, especially those kids who have lived in a setting (like an orphanage or a child-led household) without much adult guidance and who might not understand the benefit of loving supervision.

Helpful note for parents: 
Sometimes it helps to use disability-ese with church leaders. Saying "my kid wanders" doesn't always communicate the amount of supervision needed. Trying saying something like this instead: "In the world of special needs, there's this word 'elopement' that means a child might try to escape from the group and not understand the dangers, and elopement is something my son does sometimes. Here are a couple of things that can help keep him safe. [Insert suggestions.] Do you have any questions?"

Below I have a list of tips for working with individuals who elope in ministry settings, but please leave a comment if you have anything else to add!

• Talk with the parents/caregivers. If someone is eloping at church, it probably isn't the first time. What has worked in the past? What hasn't?
• Be proactive. It's always best to avoid elopement if you can! This extends to planning space well (such as arranging the room so that no one has any reason to be near the door) and planning class activity well (so that individuals are less likely to wander). Also...
• Pay attention, and try to figure out the cause(s). Behaviors don't just happen. If someone is eloping, odds are good that something is triggering that. Pay attention to what happens before the person tries to leave, including what other volunteers are doing, what classmates are doing, and how the individual is acting (frustrated? bored? overstimulated?). According to the research linked above, parents reported the following reasons for elopement: the child enjoys exploring (54%), heads for a favorite place (36%), escapes demands/anxieties (33%), pursues special topic (31%), and/or escapes sensory discomfort (27%). In a church setting, that means a child might elope to get to his/her parents, to explore the rest of the church, or to escape from a loud or busy class.
• Be careful not to reward elopement. I know that sounds a little odd; I mean, why would you want to reward that? But consider this: one of our kids who elopes tends to run away, giggling and looking back with a huge grin. If it weren't so unsafe, it would be cute. (Okay, okay, it's a little cute either way!) It takes a lot of self-control not to giggle with him, but every time he sees a helper laugh at that behavior, it reinforces it. Don't reinforce a behavior that you don't want to continue. Don't act like it's a game; treat it as a serious safety matter, because it is one.
• Plan transition times well. During our Kids LIFE classes (aka Sunday school), most preschool kids go to the playground. On special days, our elementary kids have small group time in their classes and then large group time in a bigger room. During the transitions from one place to another, I aim to position myself so that I can avoid a running situation with either of our kids who elopes. 
• Make it more difficult to elope. In the past, we've used chimes on doors, baby gates in classes that usually wouldn't have them, and closed doors in classes that would usually have the door open. Also, we have arranged class environments so that no one in the class is by the door at any time other than pick up and drop off. Speaking of that...
• Have a plan for pick-up and drop-off times. Classes tend to be a little more chaotic at those times, as do church hallways. Exercise extra caution and prevention in those instances, and plan activities that keep the person who elopes away from the door. If one class's teachers are leaving while new teachers are arriving for the next ministry hour, it's easy to lose a little one and assume he or she has been picked up, so have a plan to prevent that!
• Ensure that you have enough volunteers. We know the parable of the 99 sheep that Jesus told, in which the man leaves his 99 sheep in search of the one that is missing. That is a wonderful parable and a good reminder of why we want to welcome these families, because otherwise we're sending that one sheep away from a church. However, it's not good or safe ministry practice to emulate it by leaving the rest of the class unattended while you go in search of the person who wandered off. Make sure the rest of the class will be fine with other volunteers while one pursues the wanderer (two if the individual might be in a more remote area, because it's never wise or safe practice to create a situation in which the volunteer will be alone with the child).
• Make sure other key staff and volunteers are aware of the best ways to respond when they see someone eloping and the best ways to prevent it. This might not be any different from what you would do for any other child. Or it might involve specific tips for the child or adult in question; for example, if she is fearful of strangers, it might be best for an unknown stranger to follow the child until a known helper arrives to approach her and bring her back to class.

 And, to highlight why this is important, consider these points from the survey I mentioned earlier:

• More than one third of children who elope are never or rarely able to communicate their name, address, or phone number verbally or by writing/typing
• Two in three parents report their missing children had a "close call" with a traffic injury
• Wandering was ranked among the most stressful autism spectrum disorder (ASD) behaviors by 58% of parents of elopers
• 62% of families with children who elope were prevented from attending/enjoying activities outside the home due to fear of wandering
• 40% of parents had suffered sleep disruption due to fear of elopement
• Children with an ASD are eight times more likely to elope between the ages of seven and 10 than their typically-developing siblings

Please don't miss in these stats that parents of children who elope are often stressed out - not sleeping, not participating in typical activities, possibly not coming to church at all. Find ways to show them love and, if possible, give them a break. Sunday morning can be that break, as can respite care (which is a topic covered extensively by our friends at Key Ministry, 99 Balloons, and Nathaniel's Hope).

Which of the elopement tips above do you think is most useful?
Any other tips you would add?

disability & Christ: links of interest

A Ministry for Parents at the End of Their Rope

In 1992, the senior pastor at Mclean Bible Church, Lon Solomon, and his wife Brenda were busy with the church and raising three boys. Then their daughter Jill was born with a seizure disorder that left her with irreversible brain damage. She needed constant care and supervision, and her parents began to feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. One of their friends organized a group of caregivers to care for Jill and give her parents a break. Brenda sometimes says, "Respite gave us hope. It changed our lives." They don't know where they'd be today if they hadn't gotten it.

 Lucette

The nurse continued to speak, but I couldn’t fully understand the noises coming from her mouth. I was like a spirit no longer present with my body, floating there in the hospital room, not sure where to go or what to do. If I could have spoken, I might have said something like:

‘What do you mean Down Syndrome? That’s not us… That’s not our lives… Parenting a person with special needs… Our lives are too complicated now as they are. This just can’t be…’

When Christian Parents Should Seek Out a Christian Mental Health Professional

I had previously shared this post reflecting my opinion that Christian parents are best served by seeking mental health services from professionals who reflect excellence, regardless of their personal beliefs. Today, I’ll share a couple of significant exceptions to that rule.

I Wasn't There: The Tragedy of Adoption

I will cuddle her now and kiss her booboos now. I will tell her that she is brave and loved. I will be there as she fights the emotional trauma from her life in the orphanage. I will stand with her and be a steady presence as we tackle PTSD (post-traumatic-stress), anxiety, depression, RAD (reactive-attachment-disorder). I will be there when she doubts herself, reminding her that she can do it.  

From Empowered to Connect's FB page

just a girl and her grandfather

"Graddy, what dis?"

"It's my mustache."

"But why?"

why I'm not going to my senior prom {Kelsey's 2012 post about why she chose Joy Prom instead}

Kelsey posted this on her own blog two years and one week ago. She has graciously agreed to let me repost it, and I'm thankful that our friend Heather captured some wonderful dance floor pictures that I could include at the end! 

(If you missed it, here's the post from a couple years ago where I introduced Kelsey, and here and here are other guest posts from her. And here's Kelsey's follow-up to this post.)

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of reasons why I’m not going to prom.

That’s right, from other people. I just want to clear the air.

It was not an act of defiance. I am not skipping out on prom because I’m too cool or too hipster or because I think anything badly of the whole concept of prom.

It was not because my last boyfriend and I recently broke up and I’m too heartbroken to go outside. How lame is that?

It was not because I couldn’t get a date. It was not based on my own insecurity.

It was not because I am afraid of seeing people who I used to hold close to my heart there. I am not spineless.

It was not because my last prom experience was terrible. It was actually pretty decent.

It was not because my mom said I couldn’t go or because I am too tired or because of any other reason besides this:

I have something else to do. Something I have to do. Not because I am some sort of prom martyr, but because I have a passion. Because I am someone fortunate enough to truly love to do something, and even more blessed to know exactly what that is.

I should give a backstory. (I actually wrote my college essay about this)

When I was in tenth grade, I had my heart set on going to prom with this guy. Things didn’t work out between us, and he decided to take someone else instead, and that crushed me. I searched all over for a different prom to go to, and my mom directed me to one that my church was having for people with special needs.

Now I was scared of people with special needs. I thought they were out of their minds and dangerous. But, for the sake of being able to look pretty for a night, I went.

I loved it. I spent the night with some absolutely amazing people, talking dancing and singing and having a marvelous time. But the thing is, it wasn’t about me anymore. I threw aside my social inhibitions and focused on giving these wonderful, unappreciated people the fabulous time they deserve. Here is my original post from the night.

Person after person I encountered at joy prom confirmed this new passion I had unearthed. I love people with special needs. They are the most joyful and trusting and humble and lovely human beings you will ever meet, and they are so often looked down upon, when in reality they are people just like us who want to be seen as something more than their disorder. I want them to know that the love of Christ envelops them and covers a multitude of sins, and one way to convey that is to love them with a love that transcends all understanding - despite every social barrier. I could go on about this, but I’ll save it for another post. I’ve spent the last two years working with kids with special needs, making sure that they feel valued and loved and important just like everyone else, and it is undoubtedly something I want to pursue for the rest of my life.

I know what you’re thinking. This is just one of those human rights things that teenage girls get into. But this is no kony 2012 deal. This is a present issue that people are facing every single day, and I have a good bit of proof for you if you want it. This is something you can change, and really, something I can change.

So this year, I’m going to joy prom. I’m sure going to miss dressing up and looking nice and riding around town with my date and taking pictures and eating great food and dancing with my friends and staying up all night at a breakfast with my senior class. But I know that in 20 years, this time I had wont matter one bit. But the fulfillment I get from helping someone disgustingly undervalued feel like a prince or a princess for a night will last for far longer.

I am in no way condemning prom - I am merely stating the call on my life. My sacrifice is not for attention, and I do not write this to call attention to myself or to be dramatic - I simply want you all to know the truth. That I am not going to my senior prom because I am going to be partaking of my life’s passion.

Really, it’s no sacrifice at all.