My kids aren't colorblind, and neither are yours.
/Skin color is discussed often in our household, and Lee and I are almost never the ones leading the conversation. Some samples from last couple of months...
When I talk about a friend of mine from elementary school: "What color skin did she have?"
In beginning a story about her childhood: "Back in Uganda where everyone is dark skinned like me..."
After church a few Sundays ago: "Why was it only white men handing out communion?"
Upon closing a book about a family's response to a storm: "Mommy, I like this book a lot because everyone in the family looks like Zoe. They must be Asian too. Are they?"
They notice.
Their classmates notice, as several have commented to me on the mismatch of skin colors between me and one child or another. Not long after Patience started 1st grade, one of her classmates bounded up to me and said, "You're white," before even saying hello. After I agreed with her, she followed with "Patience is brown." Once again, I agreed. "Okay!" she smiled and bounced off, content that I had confirmed what she had noticed.
A younger friend of Patu's was less convinced when I picked her up at the gym one day.
"Wait, you're Patu's mom?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," I answered, pretty sure I knew what was coming next.
"But she looks black."
"Yes, she is."
"Oh. So you're black? You don't look black?"
"No, I'm white. Sometimes families don't match, and that's okay."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
Our kids are seeing race, and if we're not talking about it, then they aren't sure they can. If you feel the need to whisper or add "I'm not racist, but" every time you comment on something related to race, then you aren't modeling for your children that it's okay to have these conversations.
And we need to be having conversations.
White friends have asked me this week how to begin the discussion. I think it starts by making sure you aren't raising your kids in islands of whiteness. While that sounds harsh, recent research shows that 75% of white Americans don't have black friends (and networks of other racial groups are also segregated, though not as significantly), so segregation is still a thing in 2015. Are all the dolls in your house white? How about the book characters? What's your church like? Does it represent your community's diversity? (Raleigh friends, our area is 30% black according to the US census, so that would mean about 1 in 3 of your brothers and sisters on Sunday morning would be black.) How about your school? Do you go to parks, museums, restaurants, and so on in diverse areas or areas that look mostly like you? As history books in the US often tell the story of white history, are you making sure your home library of children's books tell the rest of the story? Much groundwork is laid in what's around us before words even enter the conversation. Hate for others is often taught directly, but sometimes fertile ground is laid for it by omitting anyone different from our lives in the first place.
Once you start talking, you don't have to make a big deal out of every topic. Parents magazine offers some basic tips for different age groups. If you'd like more ideas, here's a meatier resource for parents from the American Anthropological Association. When you watch a show or talk about a friend or read a book, don't be timid about pointing out differences in a positive way. Just like saying, "Zoe uses a wheelchair, so that's different from your walking, but you both like purple, so that's the same" demystifies one difference among our children, saying "Tiana's skin is a rich brown color, and it's beautiful; isn't it cool how God makes people in so many different shades?" while watching The Princess and the Frog helps to do the same about race. A 2007 study showed that nonwhite parents are three times more likely to talk about race with their children than white parents, and I think it's about time we start talking.
Do you have to talk about what happened in Charleston? I think you should consider it, but I know every family's decision will be different. In our family this week, we did talk to the kids about that act of racial terrorism, but I understand that some might not choose to talk about the hard stuff yet with kids as young as ours. (Our 8 year olds also know about the North Charleston shooting, as well as Santa Claus, sexual intercourse, gender-based pay inequity, homophobia, 9/11, and religious intolerance against Muslims after 9/11, so we tend to open a lot of hard boxes before other families do. I'm not always sure that's the best approach, but it's working so far for us.)
In our family, talking about race is part of life. Many people assume that's because we're a multiethnic family by transracial adoption, but we were talking about these topics with our white children before adoption brought even more diversity in our lives. The conversation was helpful then, because just as our kids aren't colorblind, I believe the God who created them is purposeful in all things, including the beautiful shades he chose to clothe us in.
photo credit: Rebecca Keller Photography
P.S. Right after I published this, I saw that my beautiful inside and out friend Lauren wrote a similar post. I promise I didn't steal her idea, but I definitely recommend her piece as well.