Note before you read this: I wrote this, but never posted it (oops!) about a week ago. I am now - praise God! - through my tough weeks. I might write more about MRSA part two (which is what made the past couple of weeks tough), but I don't feel like doing so right now. Now to the post ...
This has been a tough week, and next week will probably be another tough one. I was sitting here reflecting on it all while I listened to 91.1 (our local Christian station) and was struck at the power of music and at God's perfect timing, since all of the songs in this post played in the past half hour or so.
On days of grayWhen doubt clouds my viewIt's so hard to see past my fearsMy strength seems to fadeAnd it's all I can doTo hold on, til the light reappearsStill, I believe though some rains bound to fallThat you're here next to meAnd you're over it all(chorus)Lord, the sky's still blueFor my hope is in youYou're my joyYou're the dream that's still aliveLike the wind at my backAnd the sun on my faceYou are lifeYou're graceYou are blue skies(Point of Grace, Blue Skies)So here's the deal: I have another MRSA infection and had another minor surgery to deal with it. Once again, I'm on hardcore antibiotics. Once again, they're making me sick. And it's more painful all around this time since the infection is deeper this time (though, thankfully, still localized to one area and not systemic) and since it's in a spot where it can be more easily irritated than last time. My joints are acting up a bit since my immune system is having to kick into high gear to fight this off. And my thyroid meds are off right now, so my resting pulse is dangerously high, so all the activity I had been doing is on hold for now until we get that regulated again. Oh, and I'm getting over a cold. But you know what? I'm not letting these circumstances squelch my praise.
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I will praise You in this storm
And I will lift my handsFor You are who You areNo matter where I amEvery tear I've criedYou hold in Your handYou never left my sideAnd though my heart is tornI will praise You in this storm(Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns)I heard this next song for the first time on the way to what seemed like my millionth appointment with yet another specialist when I was pregnant with Robbie. It just seemed so appropriate and will always be a song that I link with these first couple of years of navigating the big medical terms I didn't know how to spell before they were used to describe
my health. None of it seems as big as it did even a year ago, so I know I will continue to adjust and get used to my new circumstances. And in the midst of having my health struggles, I've also had these two beautiful children added to our family. That's why it's so hard for me to sum up the past two years: trials intertwined with blessings, both of which have made Lee and me grow closer to each other and, more importantly, to God. In a world where self-sufficiency is upheld as something to aim for, I relish in resting in the sufficiency of God. I'm not sure I would have been able to honestly say that two years ago.
You would think only so much can go wrongCalamity only strikes onceAnd you assume this one has suffered her shareLife will be kinder from hereOh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for yearsSometimes the sky rains night after nightWhen will it clear?But our Hope endures the worst of conditionsIt's more than our optimismLet the earth quakeOur Hope is unchangedHow do we comprehend peace within pain?Or joy at a good man's wake?Walk a mile with the woman whose body is tornWith illness but she marches onOh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for yearsSometimes the sky rains night after nightWhen will it clear?But our Hope endures the worst of conditionsIt's more than our optimismLet the earth quakeHope is unchangedEmmanuel, God is with usEl Shaddai, all sufficientWe never walk aloneAnd this is our hopeBut our Hope endures the worst of conditionsIt's more than our optimismLet the earth quakeOur Hope is unchanged(Our Hope Endures, Natalie Grant)I know God ordained this precious paradox, that all these health problems have emerged at the same time that we were blessed with our two sweet children. It's not hard to remain full of hope and perspective when I have a little girl squealing as we pull into one doctor's office because she remembers that they have toys ... or another office because she remembers that they have candy ... or another office because she knows that's where Mommy has her labs done and thinks that it's really cool to watch them take blood from Mommy's arm (yes, I do think it's weird and a bit morbid that she gets so much joy from that!) ... and so on. I have it good. I am blessed.
