Fridays from the Families: Ministering to those with autism
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A few weeks ago we launched a new series in which you'll hear directly from individuals with special needs and their families. This week I am so excited to have Jenny join us. She blogs about finding grace in autism at www.manyhatsmommy.com.
You can find out more about the series, including links to previous posts, here. If you're interested in posting for this series or you know someone who may be, please email me at shannon@theworksofgoddisplayed.com.
One Sunday morning you notice a new family slip into a pew at the back just before the service begins. As the congregation starts to sing a song, their daughter starts covering her ears and screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” The mother tries to quiet her, but that makes her volume increase. The girl starts hitting her mom, sobbing and screaming at the same time. She tries to get under the pew. Finally the dad pulls his daughter from her hiding place and carries her out. Whew. What a scene!
A friend tells you she just had the most exhausting time helping with toddler Sunday school. A visiting child needed both teachers all by himself! When it wasn’t play time, he went over to the buckets of beautifully organized toys and emptied them, one toy at a time, one bucket at a time. He ignored the teacher’s voice when she asked him to stop. The teenage helper followed behind him putting the toys away. The child didn’t talk to or look at anyone! During snack time, instead of sitting in his chair at the table like all the other two year olds, he got under the table. Then he went over to the bookshelf and started climbing. How can these parents call themselves parents with such behavior?
Autism is a different kind of special need. There are no wheelchairs, no crutches, no extra apparatus to tell you a child has autism. In fact, most children with autism look like any other “normal” child. This impacts autistic children in public places, including church. People can’t see their need, and hold them to standards they can’t reach, or can’t reach without assistance.
Sadly, I have heard many stories of churches asking families not to return because of their child’s behavior due to autism. There are many families who simply stay home. Hopefully I can change that today for at least a few families. I pray my information will aid you as you seek to make your church a place that welcomes all people.
Whether or not you are an official leader in your church, there are things you can do to help families who deal with autism on a daily basis. On the simplest level, you can be kind. Autism is extremely stressful on families. Daily, even hourly, they ride an emotional rollercoaster as their child succeeds, achieving uphill progress, and then hit a fast dip as something sets off a colossal meltdown or regression. Kindness goes a long way. Be alert to ways and moments you can reach out with kind words or gestures.
Another simple thing you can do is withhold judgment. Most parents of children with autism work very hard on their child’s behalf. If a child comes to church in clothes that are not up to the unspoken dress code, don’t judge. That child may not like buttons, collars, or certain fabrics. Does a child have a hard time sitting in a chair for more than two minutes? Do not assume the parents are careless about manners. There is a good chance they’d give almost anything for that son to sit down like the other children. There are innumerable influences on a spectrum child’s behavior--from a teacher’s perfume to the flickering light (or its sound that no one else hears) to the bright yellow sign on the bulletin board, and beyond. Give kindness and patience instead of judgment.
Special needs families need a lot of prayer support, and autism is no different. Parents need prayer for wisdom in how to best help their child. They need direction from God in leading their child spiritually. Long-term stress wears on all members of a family, causing physical, emotional, and spiritual fatigue. Marriages are often strained due to the stress of autism and also that both parents often react differently to the diagnosis, treatments, therapies, etc. These are just a few ways you can pray for your church members dealing with autism.
If you work in a Sunday school class, children’s church hour, or youth group, there are other ways you can help. Should a child with autism come to your class, learn. Learn about autism if you need to, and learn about the child. Autism is a spectrum disorder. Each child has different symptoms, different triggers, different sensitivities, etc. If you are unfamiliar with autism, you can check out books from your local library or go to www.tacanow.org and www.autismspeaks.org, among others, for some great information. Of course, you could ask the parents if they have any favorite resources they recommend.
You also need to learn about the specific child in your care. Some are sensitive to sound and/or light. Others don’t like to be touched. At one point my son couldn’t even handle if someone walked by his chair and accidentally bumped it. What calms a child when they become anxious? Do the parents use any catch phrases? Perhaps the child likes a certain texture or repetitive behavior to calm down. If you need to, write down what a parent tells you. Sometimes parents will give you lots of information (and that’s helpful!) about their child.
Another thing you can do is find a buddy for the autistic child. Maybe another child in the class can help the child learn the routine of the class or children’s church time. Another option is to get someone in the youth group to become a big brother or sister for this child. Often children on the autism spectrum relate better to people older than them. The big brother scenario accomplishes two things. First, the child gets some assistance in navigating your church. Second, the buddy gets to learn how to reach out and help someone else.
The autistic child is not the only person attending or visiting your church. Most likely his family does, too. They also need help. Don’t be afraid to ask parents if they need help. They may be paying for therapies most insurances don’t cover or for special dietary needs. Perhaps they need gas money or grocery money. They might need someone to watch their children so they can go out for an hour together. Maybe someone could sit in the foyer with the spectrum child so the parents can sit in the auditorium. Siblings might need some time away with peers. Get creative. Most families would be pleasantly surprised at any offer of help. If you need ideas, I did a series “Been There, Do That!” on my blog addressing simple ways to help special needs families.
Finally, a word about the autism population. Children grow up. They become teenagers and adults. You may read a lot about autistic children, but there are also adolescents and adults on the spectrum. They need help, love, and acceptance at church, too. You can adapt these suggestions and reach out to older autists, too.
Because autism is a spectrum, I could go on and on. I hope I have given you some information that will help you minister to the autism community. I invite you to stop by my blog to see autism from the a-day-in-the-life perspective, and to learn from the many great guests I featured during Autism Awareness Month in April. More importantly, I invite you to make a difference in the lives of a special needs family.
Jenny Herman is a Christian, wife, mother, dietitian, nurse, chef, event planner, financial manager, musician, reader, writer, business woman, advocate, home educator, and more. She blogs about finding grace in autism at www.manyhatsmommy.com.
You can find out more about the series, including links to previous posts, here. If you're interested in posting for this series or you know someone who may be, please email me at shannon@theworksofgoddisplayed.com.
One Sunday morning you notice a new family slip into a pew at the back just before the service begins. As the congregation starts to sing a song, their daughter starts covering her ears and screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” The mother tries to quiet her, but that makes her volume increase. The girl starts hitting her mom, sobbing and screaming at the same time. She tries to get under the pew. Finally the dad pulls his daughter from her hiding place and carries her out. Whew. What a scene!
A friend tells you she just had the most exhausting time helping with toddler Sunday school. A visiting child needed both teachers all by himself! When it wasn’t play time, he went over to the buckets of beautifully organized toys and emptied them, one toy at a time, one bucket at a time. He ignored the teacher’s voice when she asked him to stop. The teenage helper followed behind him putting the toys away. The child didn’t talk to or look at anyone! During snack time, instead of sitting in his chair at the table like all the other two year olds, he got under the table. Then he went over to the bookshelf and started climbing. How can these parents call themselves parents with such behavior?
Autism is a different kind of special need. There are no wheelchairs, no crutches, no extra apparatus to tell you a child has autism. In fact, most children with autism look like any other “normal” child. This impacts autistic children in public places, including church. People can’t see their need, and hold them to standards they can’t reach, or can’t reach without assistance.
Sadly, I have heard many stories of churches asking families not to return because of their child’s behavior due to autism. There are many families who simply stay home. Hopefully I can change that today for at least a few families. I pray my information will aid you as you seek to make your church a place that welcomes all people.
Whether or not you are an official leader in your church, there are things you can do to help families who deal with autism on a daily basis. On the simplest level, you can be kind. Autism is extremely stressful on families. Daily, even hourly, they ride an emotional rollercoaster as their child succeeds, achieving uphill progress, and then hit a fast dip as something sets off a colossal meltdown or regression. Kindness goes a long way. Be alert to ways and moments you can reach out with kind words or gestures.
Another simple thing you can do is withhold judgment. Most parents of children with autism work very hard on their child’s behalf. If a child comes to church in clothes that are not up to the unspoken dress code, don’t judge. That child may not like buttons, collars, or certain fabrics. Does a child have a hard time sitting in a chair for more than two minutes? Do not assume the parents are careless about manners. There is a good chance they’d give almost anything for that son to sit down like the other children. There are innumerable influences on a spectrum child’s behavior--from a teacher’s perfume to the flickering light (or its sound that no one else hears) to the bright yellow sign on the bulletin board, and beyond. Give kindness and patience instead of judgment.
Special needs families need a lot of prayer support, and autism is no different. Parents need prayer for wisdom in how to best help their child. They need direction from God in leading their child spiritually. Long-term stress wears on all members of a family, causing physical, emotional, and spiritual fatigue. Marriages are often strained due to the stress of autism and also that both parents often react differently to the diagnosis, treatments, therapies, etc. These are just a few ways you can pray for your church members dealing with autism.
If you work in a Sunday school class, children’s church hour, or youth group, there are other ways you can help. Should a child with autism come to your class, learn. Learn about autism if you need to, and learn about the child. Autism is a spectrum disorder. Each child has different symptoms, different triggers, different sensitivities, etc. If you are unfamiliar with autism, you can check out books from your local library or go to www.tacanow.org and www.autismspeaks.org, among others, for some great information. Of course, you could ask the parents if they have any favorite resources they recommend.
You also need to learn about the specific child in your care. Some are sensitive to sound and/or light. Others don’t like to be touched. At one point my son couldn’t even handle if someone walked by his chair and accidentally bumped it. What calms a child when they become anxious? Do the parents use any catch phrases? Perhaps the child likes a certain texture or repetitive behavior to calm down. If you need to, write down what a parent tells you. Sometimes parents will give you lots of information (and that’s helpful!) about their child.
Another thing you can do is find a buddy for the autistic child. Maybe another child in the class can help the child learn the routine of the class or children’s church time. Another option is to get someone in the youth group to become a big brother or sister for this child. Often children on the autism spectrum relate better to people older than them. The big brother scenario accomplishes two things. First, the child gets some assistance in navigating your church. Second, the buddy gets to learn how to reach out and help someone else.
The autistic child is not the only person attending or visiting your church. Most likely his family does, too. They also need help. Don’t be afraid to ask parents if they need help. They may be paying for therapies most insurances don’t cover or for special dietary needs. Perhaps they need gas money or grocery money. They might need someone to watch their children so they can go out for an hour together. Maybe someone could sit in the foyer with the spectrum child so the parents can sit in the auditorium. Siblings might need some time away with peers. Get creative. Most families would be pleasantly surprised at any offer of help. If you need ideas, I did a series “Been There, Do That!” on my blog addressing simple ways to help special needs families.
Finally, a word about the autism population. Children grow up. They become teenagers and adults. You may read a lot about autistic children, but there are also adolescents and adults on the spectrum. They need help, love, and acceptance at church, too. You can adapt these suggestions and reach out to older autists, too.
Because autism is a spectrum, I could go on and on. I hope I have given you some information that will help you minister to the autism community. I invite you to stop by my blog to see autism from the a-day-in-the-life perspective, and to learn from the many great guests I featured during Autism Awareness Month in April. More importantly, I invite you to make a difference in the lives of a special needs family.Jenny Herman is a Christian, wife, mother, dietitian, nurse, chef, event planner, financial manager, musician, reader, writer, business woman, advocate, home educator, and more. She blogs about finding grace in autism at www.manyhatsmommy.com.
