Fridays from the Families: A mom who says she would have aborted if she knew her child would have special needs (UPDATE ADDED)

/
I know I have several new readers this week, so - as a quick note of explanation - most Fridays I either feature a guest post here from someone who has a disability or a family member with a disability or I link to posts like that. Why? Well, I've found that most churches that exclude people with disabilities aren't mean or malicious or heartless. They're just ignorant or unsure of where to start. Hearing from the families helps demystify disability for church leaders. (Here's the page with links to all of my Fridays from the Families posts if you want to check them out.)

Some days the post is positive, but today isn't one of those days. Today I'm asking you to pray as you read this post and its comments: A Mom Says She Would Have Aborted Her Child with Special Needs. Even though the mom admits that her three-year-old son's life has value, she also says she doesn't think it's fair for him to have to live with his daily hardships.

Ellen from Love That Max is the writer of this post, and she's not a Christian nor is she pro-life. While she seems to be disturbed by the mother's comments, she admits that she doesn't know what she would have done if she had the option to abort her son with special needs before she had met him. Now that she knows him, he loves him and is completely thankful for his life; before his birth, though, she admits that the fear of the unknown could have overwhelmed her if the diagnosis had come prenatally. She writes, "Having a child with disabilities can seem like a terrible fate…until you have a child with special needs."

I think this is how many church leaders feel about disability ministry. Welcoming people with disabilities can seem like a lot of work without much return ... until you begin to do it and realize how incomplete your church body was before you included people with special needs. (Even then, it can still be a lot of work at times!) According to 1 Corinthians 12, we are incomplete without all our parts.

Pray for those churches. Pray for the boy at the center of this story - his name is Bryan and he's almost three - whose mom has now gone on court record stating that she wished she knew about his disability before he was born so she could have aborted him. Pray for the commenters who offer a range of perspectives. One states that he would abort a child if he knew that the baby would have the same disability that his brother has, sharing
I simply don’t think I would want anyone to go through the same experiences that my family went through. I wouldn’t want to allow any child to have to go through the pain, suffering and other difficulties that a disability creates. Likewise I wouldn’t want any family to have to the make sacrifices that you necessarily and willing make when a family member is disabled.
Another wrote
I understand what she’s saying because I did have a right NT scan at my 10 week ultrasound. I had a cvs to determine his genetics. Turns out no downsyndrom however he might still have heart problems. If my testing had come back positive for ds we wouldv terminated the pregnancy. I can’t see purposely bringing a human into the world who would always have medical problems. I know I’m not strong enuf to handle it. I know to some of u it sounds weak but after a ton of research I just couldn’t do that to a child of mine. I already have one son who is perfectly healthy and it wouldn’t be fair to him or the other child to live their lives like that if its avoidable.
 Yet another says
It’s so hard to know what you would have done had you known. I hate to say it, but if we had been told our child was going to have autism, I probably wouldn’t have gone to term with the pregnancy. I’d like to think I would have had my son anyway, and that knowing he had autism would have benefited him because we could have started therapy right away…who knows? I know I love him and I wouldn’t trade him for the world though.
That last sentence is promising. Before she met him, she says she would have aborted if she knew about his autism; now that he's in her life, she loves him and wouldn't trade him for the world. I'm praying that God would allow his people to interact with those with special needs so we can all have that same before/after transformation as God changes our hearts in a true community of unified diversity.

And, when that community is established and the church truly loves those with disabilities, perhaps more families will see that life is a viable option for a pre-born child with a disability as they see that the church is ready and willing to walk that road with them. It isn't easy, but God provides a model for us in the early church of a body of believers who were willing to go to great lengths to care for each others' needs. Let's show the grace and love we've received from Christ to one another like the Acts 2 church did.

And all who believed were together and had all things in common.  
And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. 
And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
Acts 2:44-47

 Update: Later on the day I posted this, the court found in the mother's favor; read about it here. She and her husband were awarded $4.5 million dollars. Here are some quick prayer points to take from this:
  • Pray for their son, Bryan, who will one day learn that his care was paid for because his mother told a room full of people that she wished she hadn't given birth to him.
  • Pray for everyone involved in the case, from the parents to the ultrasound technicians.
  • Pray that this wouldn't encourage other doctors to recommend for abortion to avoid similar malpractice cases.
  • And pray for the church to rise up and take a stand in love with people with disabilities. If we do nothing, then we let the world define the worth of individuals with special needs. And this is what the world is saying.

Jesus, I will give you little; I surrender some

/
I can't claim the title. I pulled it from the talented team in the three-minute video below.



(Have you watched the video yet? Be honest. If you haven't, do. Seriously. I'm not a YouTube junkie, and I love it.)

I know I chuckled as I watched it. It is funny. But I want to challenge you not to stop at the chuckle.

Think beyond the laughter, and be challenged, as I was. Do you worship God, or do you go through the motions? Do you exalt Christ or yourself? Do you sing the words but fail to put them into action in your own life? (I know I've been guilty on all counts at times.)

And how about what you claim to care about? A catchphrase at our church is "engage the church; engage the city." When we became much more intentional about special needs ministry a little over a year ago, I challenged one of our pastors with that phrase, asking, "Do you mean it? Do we want to engage all of our city or just those who will fit in without much effort or change from us?"

In the video, I noted this line toward the end: "someone stop that baby from crying right now..." I have a two-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter, and I cringe inwardly when they have acted, well, less than church-like on Sundays. I can't recall any dirty looks for it, but I wouldn't know; I'm usually too busy trying to sink into the floor to notice. It's uncomfortable.

We like comfort, don't we? I'm writing this on an evening when everyone else in the family is gone. I'm lounging on the couch with my feet propped up, and I'm considering a bubble bath later. I'm liking this moment, because - with two preschoolers - this type of thing doesn't happen often.

And I can bring that comfort-seeking desire into church too. Too often I'm thinking "I can't wait to see Norma this morning; she always encourages me!" on Sunday morning instead of "who can I encourage today?" How about you?

When a baby cries during service or a child has a meltdown or an adult sings terribly off-key, are you willing to show the grace you've received from Christ with others, or are you simply annoyed?

When you're presented with an opportunity to serve God and others, are you excited or are you concerned that it might mess with your plans?

When you realize that people with disabilities aren't represented well in your church, are you willing to do something to change that? Or are you content with your church being a place in which the gospel is presented to just those who look and act like you?

Ouch. I need to go spend some time with God to ponder those questions and examine myself.

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!
2 Corinthians 13:5

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24

Let us test and examine our ways,
and return to the Lord!
Lamentations 3:40

ever have to pay kids to come to your child's birthday party?

/
A friend of mine shared a conversation with me recently. It began with this question to a mom whose adult child has several disabilities: "What was the hardest thing for you about his childhood?"

Her answer? "Having to pay the neighborhood kids to come to his birthday party."

I can't even type that without feeling a lump form in my throat. To her, it was vitally important that her son experience childhood rites of passage, like birthday parties in the backyard with his friends. He'll never know that his neighbor "friends" required bribes to come; he just remembers fun parties with other kids.

His mom knows what it took, though. She knows that the other kids didn't think hanging out with her son was incentive enough. She has bittersweet memories of watching other children celebrate with her son and then doling out cash afterwards.

Most folks think that special needs ministry is about the people with special needs. And it is. But it's also about the mom who would love for her child to be included with other kids.

And it's also about the other kids who get the opportunity to learn that they can love a child who seems different from them. It's about seeing those kids come to realize that they have more in common than they realized. It's about blurring the lines between "us" and "them" and just being the unified diversity that is the body of Christ.

Instead of the family with special needs having to pay the non-disabled kids to come to the party, how about this instead?
He [Jesus] said also to the man who had invited him, “When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” {Luke 14:12-14}
 Now that's more like it, don't you think?

Michael W. Smith and a star-struck teenage girl

/
During my junior year of high school, the Billy Graham Crusade came to town. I was copy editor for the school paper, so I managed to talk my way into a press pass. When the press conference for the first night's musicians began, the only available seats offered no clear line of sight to the front of the room (which I needed, because I was photographer as well as writer for the story!), so I crouched near the side.

When Michael W. Smith came in, I was determined to ask him a question. However, the press assistant running the conference didn't see me, squatting against the wall and balancing my camera, notebook, and pencil as I raised my hand to ask a question. As the assistant announced that no more questions would be taken, Michael W. Smith interrupted him, saying, "I'd like to take one more question from that young lady," pointing to me.

If you know me well, this will be hard to picture, but I was speechless. The question in my mind previously was forgotten. My mouth didn't work. I was humbled by this famous and godly man noticing me and breaking the rules to allow me to ask him a question ... a question I couldn't bring to mind or speech.

I did regroup, after being asked a second time, and ask the only question that came to mind: "If you only achieve one thing from the stage tonight, what would you want it to be?" (Well, let me be honest. I did consider asking if his oldest son - handsome and right around my age - was available, but I exercised restraint.)

I can't even recall his answer, though I think I included it in the article which I'm sure my momma saved. But, as I consider this instance in light of my current role as Access Ministry coordinator at our church, I think this provides a few takeaways for us:
  1. We need to intentionally look for those who are on the margins of church. It's easier to look toward those who are right in front of us rather than looking to the left or right. What I love most about John 9:1 is that Jesus saw the man who was blind; when he transforms our lives, we're more apt to notice others as well.
  2. We need to be willing to speak up when we do notice those on the margins. It's easy to divert our eyes. It's harder to do something more than that.
  3. We need to regularly ask ourselves, "If I only do one thing on Sunday morning (or any other ministry time), what would I want it to be?" Or, better yet, what would God want it to be? What is the one thing that would most clearly glorify him?
How do you intentionally notice those on the margins of your church?

And (be honest!) what musician had you star-struck as a teen?


Edited to add: Thank you to Rick Warren for sharing my post with his followers and for all who retweeted it. Please check out the other posts and resources I have here (you might find the why and how pages helpful; I'm updating them right now to include more posts since I haven't done that in a while!), and email me at shannon@theworksofgoddisplayed.com if I can offer your church any help as you welcome people with disabilities.

And I just found some pictures! I do apologize for the quality; I certainly didn't have a fancy camera in high school. The first one is of Michael W. Smith and the media guy, and the second one is MWS on stage (with me only about five or six yards away, standing on the field with the rest of the press, thankful for my interaction with a considerate man of God).


Weekly round-up {9/5/11}

/
What Does Alternative Medicine Have in Common with Biblical Counseling? This article by Ed Welch makes a valid point: if modern medicine met every physical need, alternative medicine wouldn't be as popular as it is. In the same way, biblical counseling can offer something - Jesus - that medicine cannot.

Suffering: How to Steward God's Most Feared Blessing: Suffering? A blessing? It can be.

I've written about the plights of abortion of babies with disabilities, so it shouldn't surprise you that I found this interesting: Half-Aborted, Why Do "Reductions" of Twin Pregnancies Trouble Pro-Choicers? In the past week, I've talked with one friend who has quadruplets who aren't much younger than me, another who has triplet boys who just entered middle school, and another who has twin babies - one girl who is crawling, one boy who is content to wait a bit longer. I am thankful none of those mothers reduced their pregnancies.

Randy Alcorn's review of Why O God?: Suffering and Disability in the Bible and the Church: I haven't read this yet, but it's at the top of my to-be-read-next stack! Another great review that graciously mentions this blog and our church's ministry is this one from my friend Kim, who is also the Director of Family Discipleship at our church.

In this post, a mom and children's ministry volunteer talks about how children's ministry opens doors to your church. People will come to church for the sake of their kids, even if they aren't personally interested in the church scene. For example, we've had a few different family members who had no interest in church until their kids were born and they wanted them baptized as babies, just like each of them had been. This post isn't disability ministry specific, but oh! how it applies.

Ellen at Love That Max talks here about emergency preparedness for kids with disabilities. It's good for us to be mindful that those emergencies that are stressful to us can be much more stressful for people with disabilities and their families. This gives us an opportunity to come alongside them and do life together.

Surviving a stay in the NICU: A guide for parents: This is useful for those of us who may be called to minister to these families as well.

Pasco author takes time with girl losing her sight: Scott Smiley graduated from high school in 1999 and lost his sight in an explosion in Iraq in 2005; Sofia Martinez is nine years old and will be blind in a year as her rare genetic disease progresses. They met this past Thursday.

Motherhood is Application: This isn't about special needs ministry, but (a) there are parallels and (b) I'm a mom, as are many of you. If I quoted all my favorite lines, then I would be reprinting the entire post here. Here's just one paragraph I loved; read it and then go read the rest: "The gospel is not just something to talk about Sunday morning while you are in clean clothes and the kids are looking orderly. It is not limited to quiet times and reflective moods. It is something to apply while you are in a difficult position in the back of the car trying to buckle a child up who is playing the kazoo and needs their nose wiped."

As a Dominican nun, doctor offers unique perspective on stem-cell research: She's a nun. She's also a doctor of internal medicine. And she spoke about stem-cell research at St. Philip Catholic Church in Franklin, TN, last week.

And, as usual, a list of churches committed to welcoming people with disabilities:
Finally, I enjoyed this protest sign, found here: